It Will Change Your Life
by recodan
Summary: REUPLOADED CAUSE YOU WHINED! What happened when a certain jumpsuit becomes required attire? Some crazy stuff, thats what! Don't send me PM's calling me sexist please. I get that enough in real life.
1. Chapter 1

Tsunade took a long drink of sake.

_What the hell was I thinking?_ she asked herself, leaning over her desk. In a few seconds, every ninja in Kohona would be assembled in front of the tower, waiting for her to address the. They probably assumed she was going to inform them about some new policy, but the truth was far…darker.

_At best, they'll kill me._ she thought, pushing her chair back.

" Everyone's here." Shizune was standing in the door, glaring hatefully at Tsunade. Hokage or not, she wanted to crumple under her students gaze. " Gai's finished unpacking 'them'."

" It won't be that bad, right?" said Tsunade, standing up with a nervous laugh. From the look on Shizune's face, she knew her apprentice didn't agree. " Look, it's one month. Not forever."

" If you ever pull this kind of thing again, Tsunade-sama, I'll pour out all your sake and give Jiraiya the photo's from your last physical." threatened Shizune, eye twitching.

_I guess I won't tell her about the bet with Naruto then._ thought Tsunade, walking from her office.

The halls of the Hokage's Tower seemed…cold. It was as if the building was angry with her as well. The steps creaked dangerously as she walked down them, and the murderous looks from the guards, who knew what was going on, didn't reassure her.

_So, do I start with a joke to lighten them up?_ mused Tsunade as she walked past the library where Gai was storing the hundreds of boxes. She shuddered, imagining what 'they' would be like. She walked past a painting of the Third, who seemed unusually content. _Probably because your dead, which mean's you don't have to participate. Old bastard._

" Tsunade-sama!" said Sakura, running up behind her teacher. " What's this about?"

" What?" asked Tsunade, skirting the issue.

" The meeting!" said Sakura earnestly. Tsunade looked down at her favorite apprentice sadly, taking in the happy face while she could. In a hour, there would be only betrayal in her eyes. Tsunade hoped the girl could someday forgive her.

" You'll just need to wait and see." said Tsunade, patting Sakura on the head. Sakura looked disappointed, but nodded and went to join the crowd.

Striding out onto the steps of the tower, Tsunade faced the entire populace of the village. She sometimes forgot how many people there were. She saw Gai standing to the side of the steps, giving her the thumbs up. _He is never getting a easy mission again._ thought Tsunade crossly.

" Thank you for coming to this meeting!" Tsunade called, addressing the crowd. Everyone fell silent but Naruto and Sai, who were arguing.

" I do not have a small penis! Stop saying that!" shouted Naruto on the top of his lungs. It echoes around the area for what seemed like minutes. Naruto slowly turned to the crowd, who was staring back. He sighed and slumped in embarrassment. Tsunade would have to thank the little idiot later. He might have distracted them enough to save her life.

" As I was saying!" said Tsunade, recapturing their attention, " There is a special purpose for this meeting. After this meeting you will be presented with a new uniform, which it will be mandatory to wear for one month."

" What!" yelled Ino. The girl was a slave to fashion, and Tsunade knew she and many other well dressed members of the village would be objecting. " No way!"

" It is not negotiable." said Tsunade, voice firm. " As Hokage, I must uphold my bargains."

" Bargains?" shouted someone in confusion.

" A bet." said Tsunade guiltily. A groan rolled over the crowd. Her famously bad luck had struck again, this time affecting them. Tsunade thought that she might as well drop the bombshell. " With Gai."

The entire populace of the village stood in wide-eyed, horrified silence.

" Yosh!" said Lee and Gai in unison, racing onto stage with two large, cardboard boxes.

" What was the bet?" called Kakashi, his porn temporarily put away.

" That he could go a month without saying the word 'Youth'." replied Tsunade. Neji and Tenten gave her thankful looks. She knew that they had enjoyed their reprieve.

" And since I assume he won, what did he win? Is he going to put us though a exercise program or something?" asked Kakashi, looking to his giddy rival.

" No! Something much better!" said Gai, opening the box Lee was dutifully holding.

Ino screamed.

" Pure synthetic material, it fits perfectly and doesn't impair your movement!" cheered Gai, waving about the green spandex uniforms he had taken from the box.

Tsunade was sweating nervously and trying to look small. Half the village was looking at her and radiating killing intent, the other half was loudly sobbing to themselves.

" It will change your life!" said Lee, taking his teachers side. " Since beginning to wear them, I have become a far better ninja and increased the power of my youth exponentially!"

" How could you do this to us?" screamed Ino in a demonic voice, shoving her way to the front of the crowd. A number of other ninja were advancing upon her. Tsunade felt a dark presence by her side and turned. Tenten and Neji stood to her side, a shadowy aura radiating from them.

" Do you have one in medium?" Everyone turned, distracted as always by Naruto.

Forget thanking him. Tsunade was going to have him sainted.

" This box contains only larges, Naruto-kun." said Lee apologetically. " But we uniforms inside for everyone."

" Cool." said Naruto, holding up the uniform and feeling the material. " How often do you wash them?"

" What the hell are you doing?" shouted Sakura, bopping Naruto on the head.

" The Hokage said we have to wear them, so we have to." said Naruto, rubbing his bruised head. " Granny Tsunade gets mad when I argue, so I figured I'd just get it over with."

" This is no time to give up!" Sakura shouted angrily. Surprisingly, a number of villagers seemed to share the same opinion, surprised the stubborn boy was just accepting his fate.

" I'm also kinda curious what they feel like." said Naruto, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

Tsunade was relived to see a similar look of curiosity on the villagers faces, even it it was quickly hidden.

" Form a line and follow me inside!" declared Gai, prancing into the tower. Lee rushed after his teacher, eager to begin the distribution.

With a sigh, the ninja began to shuffle inside to their fate, but not until Shizune had forced Tsunade to take the lead.

----DAY ONE - IN FRONT OF THE HOKAGES TOWER----

" Ow!" squeaked Kiba, doubling over in pain.

" Man down! Man down!" called a medic-nin. The other men rushed over to the Inuzuka, who was lying on the ground with tears streaming down his face.

" Was it a single or a double?" asked the medic, leaning over gingerly to avoid a similar fate.

" Single. Just left." Kiba replied in a high voice.

" I thought these weren't supposed to impede movement!" complained Shikamaru. " It's too troublesome to wear these if you can give yourself a frontal wedgie at any time!"

" That's because you are wearing underwear!" said Lee, jogging over. " The material bunches up if you wear anything under it!"

Lee noticed everyone was scooting away from him quickly.

" Eeee!" exhaled Naruto, the uniform tensing around his loins. He fell backwards.

" Are you alright?" inquired a medic.

" It was a double…and I think I righty got squished." said Naruto gingerly. The male populace winced and looked to the downed ninja with pity.

---IN BACK OF THE HOKAGES TOWER---

" This is pretty comfy." said Anko, admiring her well rounded posterior. " I'm impressed they found these in women's sizes."

" Jiraiya's going to have a field day." said Tsunade, looking down at her breasts. The material was stretched around her bosom tightly.

Over among the younger kunochi, there was stunned silence. Hinata was blushing deeply, as her friends attention was on her. The form fitting material had revealed how much more developed she was…in every area…than her peers.

" When did this happen?" said a distressed Ino. " You…you've always been this shapeless thing!"

" Why did you always wear that coat? You could have had every boy after you!" Sakura, said, slack jawed. She had always felt distressed at her breasts, but next to Hinata…even Tsunade would feel somewhat jealous. Hinata wasn't as large, but she was perfectly shaped.

" I…didn't…." Hinata stuttered, hiding behind her hands.

" Didn't what?" asked Sakura.

" N-n-notice…m-me…" said Hinata, shaking and shrinking before their eyes.

" You didn't want to be notice?" asked Tenten in disbelief.

"B-by everyone." clarified Hinata.

In unison, the other girls looked to each other evilly.

" Who is he?" asked Ino, smiling as her Yamanka Bloodline ( Which mostly involves gossip jutsu) began to activate.

" Kiba?" guessed Sakura, beginning a list of boys their age. Hinata meekly shook no.

" You like bug boy?" said Ino is disbelief, shuddering at the thought of Shino. Hinata shook her head no again.

" Neji?" guessed Tenten.

" He's her cousin!" shouted Sakura.

" Some of the big clans do that." said Tenten with a look of disgust. However, Hinata had quickly indicated no, letting them continue to guess.

" Shikamaru? Choji? Sai? Kankuro? Lee? Gaara? Akamaru?" Ino said rapidly, counting off on her fingers. Hinata nodded no for each one, leaving Ino stumped.

" Well, who is it?" asked Sakura, sighing. It looked like they didn't know who this boy was.

" Wait, you forgot Naruto." said Tenten, a light bulb flashing over her head.

Ino and Sakura nearly face planted as Hinata, shook her head yes.

" Him? HIM?" Sakura asked loudly. Who could be in love with that idiot?

" N-n-Naruto is kind and believes in h-himself." said Hinata shakily. Sakura blinked, surprised by the girls defense. " He never gives up on his dreams or promises and never lets anyone stop him."

" And he's hot." agreed Tenten. Hinata blushed deeply as Sakura and Ino looked at the other two girls in shock.

" Naruto…" said Sakura, working out the thought. He was cute, in his own, stupid way, and he had grown a lot.

" How's he hung?" asked Tenten, leaning on Hinata shoulder with a perverted look. Hinata nearly fainted.

" W-w-w-w-w-w…" stuttered the flummoxed girl.

" How could you ask her that?" screeched Ino.

" She's got Byakugan." said Tenten in a matter of fact tone. " I figure when Neji trains with me, he's getting a free show. I noticed the Hyuuga get a lot of nosebleeds too. I figure the Hyuuga women do some reconnaissance too." Tenten looked proud at her unsubtle analogy.

" Actually, she has a good point." said Ino, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. " It's best to have all the information before you shop around."

" So, how are the boys in our teams equipped?" asked Sakura, sharing the others interest. Hinata sighed in defeat, blushing. She had, like all Hyuuga woman, done her research, but it was embarrassing to tell everyone.

" C-choji is the biggest." said Hinata, beginning the list. The other girls jaws dropped. " Naruto is next after him."

" No…way…." said Sakura, shuddering.

" Choji?" asked a confused Ino.

" Lee, Kiba, Shino, and Shikamaru are average." reported Hinata, counting off on her fingers.

" And Neji?" asked Tenten hopefully.

" Like a tic-tac." said Hinata in a flat voice.

Tenten, despite her disappointment, had to join the others in laughing.

---IN FRONT OF THE HOKAGES TOWER---

" Achoo!" sneezed Neji. There had been a flurry of sneezes in the last few moments.

" This feels wrong." said Naruto, walking awkwardly. After Ibiki's accident, the men had been forced to go without underwear. Naruto shuddered, remembering the shrieking, crying, and staccato popping sounds. " I feel like I'm naked."

" At least it's soft." Kiba said, gingerly walking around. " It figures this kind of thing happens the one day I wear underwear."

" I wonder what kind of problems the girls are having." said Kakashi, haven given up on finding a place to store his porn in the pocketless suit. He had, however, cut another suit up and made a mask for himself.

The boys looked to each other in unison, then rushed to the fence that divided them from where the women were trying on theirs. Fighting his way to a peep-hole, Naruto looked though.

" Oh crap!" he shouted, a spray of blood erupting from his nose. Moments later the others followed suit, falling back. Shrieks came from the other side as the women stormed over to take their revenge.

" Lightweights." said Kakashi, looking over the fallen, twitching ninja. The hair on his neck prickled and he turned, suddenly aware he was being watched. Nearly every single kunochi was staring at him, drooling slightly. In unision, a droplet of blood rolled from their nostrils.

" Naruto-kun!" cried Hinata, tossing aside the motionless Shino, who luckily landed on Choji. Naruto was dazed, lying back with a content look on his face. She leaned over him, holding him worriedly.

---INSIDE THE KYUUBI'S PRISON, ON THE COUCH---

A wide view shot of Hinata's chest had just come onto the Naruto-cam's screen

" Best. Host. Ever." said the Nine-Tailed Fox out loud, holding a paw to his nose to stop the impending flood.


	2. Chapter 2

---DAY ONE-KOHONA HOSPITAL---

" We've got a code four! Move! Move!" shouted the medic, pushing the comatose Ebisu along towards the Emergency Ward.

" I thought Tsunade was restricted to her office!" said another medic angrily, chasing behind the trolley.

" She is, but he was called in for a report!" replied the medic.

" Dammit! Get us a transfusion fast!" shouted the head doctor. " And get something to cover his face!"

Ebisu was laying there, twitching and smiling widely.

---DAY ONE-HYUUGA DINING HALL---

Neji was sweating bullets.

No one was looking at him while he ate dinner in silence, trying to distract himself from the hated garment. But he could still feel the blame radiating towards him. He was the teammate of the person who had gotten them into this situation, and by proxy it was his fault.

Well, at least he wasn't Hinata.

He kept his eyes low, resisting the temptation to look over at his cousin. The rest of the Hyuuga men were endeavoring similarly. When she had arrived home, they had been expecting her to the featureless, bundled blob she usually was…but the uniform had revealed…a lot.

Hiashi had, to his utter horror and embarrassment, gotten a nosebleed FROM HIS OWN DAUGHTER.

Neji smirked, glancing at the clan elder, who was aimlessly picking at his meal. After something like that, he wouldn't imagine the man would have much of an appetite. He had bonded somewhat with his uncle, but he could still enjoy the main house suffering.

He returned to his rice, content in the thought that while he was wearing the most vile of clothing, at least others were suffering too.

---DAY ONE-THE RAMEN STAND---

" It still feels wrong." said Naruto with a shudder.

" I know. It's like your naked in public." agreed Sakura, sighing helplessly. " I don't think I'll ever get used to this."

" I know I won't." said Naruto, unenthusiastically slurping up some noodles.

" I do not understand what is wrong with it." stated Sai, looking over the uniform. It was unusual, but it was not uncomfortable.

" That's because you're a freak." Sakura said flatly.

" So are you." Sai replied, not missing a beat. " By your definition, you should enjoy it as well."

" SAKURA-CHAN ISN'T A FREAK!" Naruto yelled angrily, jumping to his feet.

" She has more forehead than anyone in the village." said Sai, defending his accusations.

" You bastard! Don't talk about Sakura-chan like that!" said Naruto, grabbing Sai by the collar. However, the uniform simply stretched in his hand, making it impossible to lift Sai for intimidation.

Sai and Naruto turned in unison, looking at Sakura, who had fallen speechless. Her eyes were downward and wide. Naruto and Sai looked down. Naruto's uniform hap pulled taunt across his crotch, leaving little to imagination.

" So, you don't have a small one after all." said Sai, giving his creepy smile. Naruto quickly covered himself, swearing death to Lee and Gai.

---DAY ONE-GAI'S TRAINING GROUND---

" Yosh! Finally, the rest of the village shall see the truth!" proclaimed Gai, taking his victory stance.

" Yes, Gai-sensei!" cheered Lee, joining the celebrating jounin. " Soon, they will truly understand what a marvelous thing these uniforms are!"

" The youthfulness of Kohona shall soar!"

" Yes, Gai-sensei!"

" Lee!" said Gai, hugging his favorite student.

" Gai-sensei!"

" Lee!"

" Gai-sensei!"

---DAY ONE-KAKASHI'S HOUSE---

"What the hell!" yelled Kakashi in frustration, throwing the sewing kit across the room. " What is with the stuff!"

Kakashi, deprived of pockets with which to carry his porn, had been trying to modifiy the green jumpsuits. It seemed like it had a mind of its own, however. He could barely get a needle though, the thread bunched the material up, and any cut began to tear instantly. He had destroyed half of his supply of uniforms already.

" I guess I'll go without." said an inconsolable Kakashi, standing up.

" Put it in your vest." came Anko's voice from the ceiling.

" Huh?" said Kakashi in shock, looking up. " How long have you been up there?" he asked as the woman slid a wood panel back and looked down, a nasty smile on her face.

" Long enough." said Anko, a slight blush taking to her cheeks.

Kakashi sighed. This was going to be a long month.

---DAY ONE-AKIMACHI RESIDENCE---

" These things are amazing!" declared Choji's father, taking another bite of sushi. " I've been eating for a hour, but it feels no tighter!"

" I know!" agreed Choji, happily taking a bite of a roll. " And yet it breaths so well!"

" We'll definitely need to buy more." said Choji's mother. " And did you see the Yamanka girl looking at you, Choji?"

" She was?" asked Choji, wide eyed, but continuing to eat.

" She was, and she was blushing. I always thought she had a crush on you." said his mother, smiling. " She's quiet pretty, you know."

Choji tried not to focus on the memory of her in the uniform, hoping to avoid ruining dinner with a nosebleed.

---DAY ONE-THE NARA PLACE---

Shikamaru was laying on his bed, looking at the ceiling.

He felt restless.

He felt like going for a run.

_It has to be this troublesome uniform._ he thought, resisting the urge with his Kage-level laziness.

" Shika-chan, take out the garbage!" yelled his mom from downstairs.

He was halfway to his door before he realized he had moved.

_This is going to be too troublesome._

---DAY ONE-RAMEN STAND---

" Is she going to do anything?" said Naruto, poking Sakura in the arm. She was still standing, staring transfixed. She had been motionless for ten minutes.

" It seems she was impressed." said Sai, looking over the motionless girl. " I was."

Naruto tried not to vomit. _Sai…is the biggest freak in the world._

" Please…please stop talking about my dick." Naruto pleaded. Ayame giggled, making Naruto blush. He tried not to look at her. He had always had a ramen-induced crush on her, and seeing her in that uniform would be bad. He'd lost enough blood already.

" Why? It's nothing to be ashamed of." said Sai, slurping some of his soup.

" Your not supposed to mention them!" said Naruto, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

" But, since yours is exceptional, it seems a waste not to bring it up." Sai replied, not even turning.

Naruto wanted to cry as Ayame burst into laughter.

---DAY ONE-YAMANKA FLOWER R' US---

" This is a nightmare." said Ino, looking at herself in the mirror.

" Hell, more like it." said her father, also looking at himself in a mirror.

" Purgatory." said her mother, also looking at herself in a mirror.

In unison, the gossipy family sighed and shut their eyes, unable to look at the jumpsuit any more.

---DAY ONE-KOHONA HOSPITAL---

" We've got a code five! Move! Move!" shouted the medic-nin, rushing a comatose ANBU towards the emergency ward.

" Again?" asked a nurse in disbelief. " How many times is Tsunade going to rip though the uniforms? They stretch, for crying out loud!"

" I don't know!" shouted the medic.

" Get me a transfusion, quick!" shouted the head doctor.

---DAY ONE-HOKAGE'S OFFICE---

Tsunade hadn't blushed like this in years.

The first time had been funny, she had to admit. The second, annoying.

When, for the seventh time, her bosom proved to great a force for the spandex to contain in front of a ANBU patrol that was giving her a report, it had turned into a embarrassing nightmare. She was down to her last uniform.

" Serve's you right." said Shizune coldly, plopping down a stack of papers on Tsunade's desk. " And, Jiraiya's on his way up. "

" Not now." said Tsunade, holding her head in her hands.

" Hey!" said Jiraiya, opening the door and walking in. " So, what's this about new uniforms?"

" I…" Tsunade began, but before she could go any farther, there came the telltale ripping sound. She sat, eyes wide, staring at Jiraiya. To her surprise, he just stood there blankly.

" I'm kinda disappointed." said Jiraiya, leaning against the doorframe. Tsunade couldn't move, too embarrassed to breath. " I mean, all this time, I've never even gotten a peek of you in the showers. And now, this just happens? It's just… not satisfying."

Tsunade tried to speak, but she was still paralyzed, unable to even cover herself.

" I mean, sure, I'm grateful." continued the Toad Sage, pacing in front of her desk. " But it's like having a dream you've worked for your entire life just given to you by someone on accident. There's no sense of accomplishment."

With that, he leaned over and grabbed one of her breasts openly.

" Honk honk!" said Jiraiya, squeezing, then turning and racing away before Tsunade could hit him. He ran down the stairs of the tower giggling manically. The angry woman followed him to the door before remembering that she was half-nude and slammed it shut.

_I hate him_. She thought, crossing her arms and stalking towards her dressing room.

---DAY ONE-IBIKI'S HOSPITAL ROOM---

" Well, I'm happy to report that you didn't lose everything." said the medic-nin, faking a smile.

Ibiki lie in his bed silently.

" It will hurt for a while, but it's actually not rare for ninja to lose a testicle. And you can do just as much with one." continued the medic-nin, trying to get a response.

" _Will I have a new scar?_" asked Ibiki, sounding like he had inhaled helium.

" Yes."

Ibiki smiled. That was all he needed to hear.

---DAY ONE-RAMEN STAND---

" STOP LOOKING AT MY CROTCH!"

---DAY ONE-KAKASHI'S CEILING---

_He hasn't found this one._ thought Anko with a smirk. She slithered though Secret Tunnel K-6 towards Kakashi's bathroom. The jounin had kicked her out twice, now aware he was being spied on, but thanks to the proximity alarms she had set up, she knew he had been heading for a shower. She flipped open a peep hole and looked though.

_Bingo._ she thought, settling down to enjoy the show.

---DAY ONE- INSIDE SAKURA'S MIND---

" Who cares? If he's packin' like that, I can ignore the fact he's annoying!" screamed Inner Sakura.

" But he's Naruto!" said Sakura lamely, trying to fight off her aggressive side.

" Who cares?" said Inner Sakura, pointing to the image still seared in her mind. Naruto, the spandex pulled tight. Muscular. Lean. Tanned. " Don't tell me Sasuke-kun could compare to that!"

" Stop showing me that!" cried Sakura, shielding her eyes.

" Aw, you love it." said Inner Sakura, leaning on Sakura's shoulder. " I know, 'cause I'm you."

Sakura hated to admit it, but she was right.

" But he's Naruto!" she cried, trying to snap out of it.

" You've said that like a million times!" said Inner Sakura, slumping in frustration.

" And I'll say it a million more!" said Sakura, taking a defensive stance.

" Fine!" shouted Inner Sakura. " I'll take matters into my own hands then!"

" No!" yelled Sakura, but Inner Sakura was gone.

---DAY ONE-RAMEN STAND---

" Sai, get away!" said Naruto, pushing the pale boy off. " I don't want to pose for you!"

" Naruto?" came Sakura's voice from behind them. The two boys turned and looked at her.

" Your okay!" said Naruto, face lighting up as he pushed Sai to the ground. " I was worried, Sakura-cha…!"

Before he could finish, he was tackle-glomped by Sakura, pinned to the ground, and kissed deeply.

_The hell?_ he thought for a moment before going with it.

---DAY ONE-KYUUBI'S COUCH---

" Finally! Way to go, pinky!" cheered the Kyuubi. He's been doing extra work on the brat for years, making sure that he 'equipped' well enough the vixens would be interested in him and finally it was paying off. He leaned back to watch the Naruto-cam.

---DAY ONE-STREET BY THE RAMEN STAND---

She had to find Naruto-kun.

It had taken her all day to muster up the resolve, but she was finally going to tell Naruto her feelings.

Hinata turned down the street, walking towards the ramen stand Naruto frequented. She spotted Sai standing by the stand, drawing something. As she approached, she saw Sakura and Naruto lying on the ground…KISSING?

Like hell they were!

She raced over and leaned in, originally planning on separating them, but she suddenly felt herself pushed from behind by Sai and fell in, somehow being caught in the making out.

---DAY ONE-BEHIND THE RAMEN STAND COUNTER---

" Hey, dad, I'm taking off early." said Ayame, taking her apron off. Before Teuchi could protest, she leapt in to the growing pile of girls on Naruto.

---DAY ONE-KYUUBI'S COUCH---

He'd said it before, but it had been too soon.

BEST. HOST. EVER.

Someday, when he got out, he'd have to summon the Fourth and thank him for this. He had stuffed tissues into his snout to stop the nosebleed and leaned forward to watch attentively. The little blonde brat was doing quiet well, considering he was faced with three vixen's at once. The Kyuubi had always had something for the ramen girl, he begrudged the brat the pink haired one, and the other girl, who he guessed had just been on the street, was quite the bonus.

_Wait…_ he thought, looking over to the box of tissues. He had used the last two stoppering his nosebleed.

" Nooooo!" he howled in despair. ( Sorry. Dirty joke. But it's funneh to me.)

---DAY ONE-JIRAIYA'S PERSONAL HEAVEN---

" Good day!" said the toad Sannin, waving to a young woman that was passing. " And to you too!" he said, turning his attention to a shapely girl working at a fruit stand.

" Hehheehehe!" he giggled, a droplet of blood rolling down his upper lip. Form fitting spandex! Sure, he got a little farther spying on the baths, but he usually got in trouble for that! There was no downside to this!

" Jiraiya!" screeched Tsunade, coming running up. She was wearing a new uniform that had been reinforced with several seals. " I'm going to get you for what you did earlier!"

Tsunade had expected him to run, but the man stood transfixed, watching her as her frame bounced as she ran. _Well, it's a opportunity._ she mused, cocking her arm for a punch.

RIIIPPP.

" No!" cried Tsunade, throwing her arms over her re-exposed chest.

Indeed, Jiraiya could find no downside to this. Tsunade vanished, swearing her revenge. Jiraiya smirked his perverted smile and continued on, looking on for Naruto. He was in such a good mood, he felt like treating him to a bowl of ramen.

He turned down the street and looked towards the ramen stand.

A moment later, he was standing by Sai, taking notes for his research.

" Think they will go any farther?" asked the emotionless boy.

" Don't know. Ohh! Good technique, Naruto! Tell you what, if they get past making out, well move them to a better location. Would you mind providing a few illustrations for my book?" said Jiraiya, not taking his eyes from the spectacle.

" Sure. But I'd rather if we had them nude first." said Sai.

" Well, we can only hope. Naruto, try frenching with the Hyuuga for a moment!"

END O DAY ONE.


	3. Chapter 3

---DAY TWO-SHIKAMARU'S BEDROOM---

_Why am I awake?_ thought the worlds laziest chunnin. _My mom isn't yelling about anything….my sold my alarm clock to Choji….and it's still dark. _

Rolling out of bed, Shikamaru felt…strange. Like he had just woken up from a long, refreshing nap. But…that wasn't it. He felt like…doing something.

_How troublesome. I'll go for a short jog and fall asleep somewhere._

He got dressed and walked downstairs. To his surprise, he found his mother in the kitchen, cooking. Usually, she made dad do that. And by usually, he meant always.

" Shika-chan! I've made you breakfast!" said his mother, pulling him to a seat and shoveling a plateful of food before him. It actually smelled good.

" Your going to make me do something troublesome, aren't you." sighed Shikamaru, eating his breakfast.

" No." said his mother, giving him a smile before returning to her cooking. " I just thought I'd make you breakfast."

" Where's dad?" asked Shikamaru.

" Oh, he's upstairs. I decided to let him sleep in." said his mother cheerily.

Shikamaru's eyes snapped open. She would never, ever let dad sleep in. Ever. She was always nagging dad and him to do chores. Something was dreadfully wrong.

---DAY TWO-NARUTO'S APARTMENT---

Sakura yawned and tried to sit up.

Wait. Her bed didn't have orange blankets.

She looked around, stifling a scream. She, Naruto, Ayame, and Hinata were in a half ruined bed, their jumpsuits tossed to the sides carelessly. The memories of the night before came flooding back.

She blushed as she remembered several dozen clones wearing out on her and having to ask for replacements.

" What a odd dream." said Hinata, rolling over and rubbing her eyes. She nearly squealed when she noticed Naruto snoozing besides her.

" Shh!" said Sakura, putting her hand over Hinata's mouth. " He's probably tired."

" I…we…Naruto-kun…" Hinata stuttered in shock. She raced from the room, grabbing her jumpsuit. " I have to get home!"

" Oh, crap!" Ayame had woken as well. " I have to get to work! Tell Naru-kun I'll see him later!" The girl left, leaving Sakura alone with the sleeping blonde.

---DAY TWO-KYUUBI'S COMPUTER---

Logging on to Demonnet….please wait….

Logging on to Demonchat…screen name Foxxor…Tailed Beast Room…please wait.

Welcome to Demonchat! Rules Change Rooms Possess Soul

Foxxor: HAY ANYONE 3LSE ON????!??

Raccoon of Doom: Just me. Everyone else is offline.

Foxxor: U WONT BLEIVE WUT MAH HOST DID LAST NIGHT!1!!!11!1 OMG WTF LOL

Raccoon of Doom: What?

Foxxor: GUES!1!!1!! OMG

Raccoon of Doom: Um…you finally got him to kill some people?

Foxxor: NO!!H3 GOT A FOURSOM3 WIT THRE HOT CHIX!111!!1! OMG

Raccoon of Doom: Woah…isn't he like ten?

Foxxor: 15

Raccoon of Doom: …do you have the video?

Foxxor: HEL YES

---DAY TWO-CHOJI'S BATHROOM---

It was Choji's least favorite part of the day.

Oh, sure, Ino teasing him for being fat was bad. But when he stood on the scale to weigh himself, it stung all the worse. He sighed and stepped on the machine.

Which sunk into the floor.

" Dad! Dad!" said Choji, rushing downstairs in his bathrobe. " I gained thirty pounds!"

" I did too." said his mother. " And your father gained forty."

" But…why?" asked Choji.

" I think…because we didn't know when to stop last night." said his father tenderly. Choji realized that usually, when someone's belt snapped, they knew dinner was over, but the spandex uniforms hadn't had any trouble with their girth.

" I think…it may be time…to admit…we are fat." said his father. There was a stunned silence.

" What should we do? The uniforms are mandatory!" said Choji disparagingly.

" We could exercise and eat less." suggest his mother.

---DAY TWO-THE KOHONA SUPERMARKET---

The grocery-sacker-nin shuddered in unison as they felt something very, very wrong happen.

---DAY TWO-HOKAGE'S OFFICE---

RIIIPPP.

" FUCKING DAMMIT!" screamed Tsunade as another jumpsuit tore. She could hear Jiraiya laughing with glee from where he was hiding in the ceiling.

" Out!" she yelled, pulling him thought the tiles and throwing him though the window. Tsunade shut the curtains and slumped in her chair, face in her palms to hide her blush.

_It's just unfair._ she thought. _I know I got us into this situation, but this is insane!_

" Shizune!" called Tsunade. Her aide came walking in and plopped down a pile of papers on her desk. " I need a new jumpsuit." said Tsunade, averting her eyes.

" Gai put in a new order, but were out of your size." said Shizune, looking at her teacher sympathetically. While she had felt Tsunade deserved it earlier, now it was getting sad.

" Great." said Tsunade, laying on her desk. " Am I supposed to walk around half naked until them?"

" Good idea!" called Jiraiya from the tree he had landed in.

" Quiet!" Tsunade barked.

" You might have to." said Shizune, setting another load of forms down.

Tsunade almost cried.

---DAY TWO-KOHONA HOSPITAL---

" Code three! Code Three! Move!" shouted the medic-nin, pushing the unconscious Anko towards the emergency ward. Anko's vicious smile was plastered on her pale face.

" She saw Kakashi showering again?" yelled the nurse, racing alongside of the trolley.

" Apparently. We have ANBU trying to find all her tunnels. We don't know how long she was up there." replied the medic-nin.

" Croiky! Get us a transfusion fast!" shouted the head doctor.

---DAY TWO-NARUTO'S DREAMS---

Ramen.

Oceans of ramen.

Naruto swum though the sea of deliciousness, savoring the taste of the broth and noodles.

Suddenly, he came to a island. On it sat Sakura, Hinata, and Ayame, giving him slutry smiles and batting their eyes at him.

Then he woke up.

---DAY TWO-NARUTO'S BEDROOM---

" Aww man. That was my favorite dream." said Naruto, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He felt sore.

" Hey there, Naruto-kun." cooed Sakura, leaning on his shoulder. Naruto's head snapped to the side in shock. " Good morning."

" Sa-sa-saka-sakura-ch-ch-chan!" Naruto stuttered. The pink haired girl giggled.

" You have any chakra left?" she said, running her finger up his chest.

Naruto panicked and turned to the only person he could.

---DAY TWO-KYUUBI'S JAIL---

" Hey fox! Hey!" said Naruto, calling out though the bars.

" Hey, there he is! Good job last night, kit!" said the Kyuubi in a congratulatory tone. Naruto blushed, the memories of the evening still racing though his mind. " I don't think I could have done better myself! That girl with the white eyes was calling your name for hours!"

" How did this happen! What did you do! Sakura chan…she looks like she wants to go again!" Naruto said nervously.

" Me? I didn't do anything. You did." said the fox, smirking. " But if you want to know why she's ready to jump you, you get her off four times."

" I did?" said Naruto in surprise.

" Kit, you did good." said the Kyuubi.

" Hell yeah!" cheered Naruto. " The greatest Hokage ever and a ladies man!"

" Kit, better hurry. That vixen looks like she's starting already." said the Kyuubi, nudging Naruto back out his mind.

" Right! Thanks!" said Naruto, waving and returning to the real world.

---DAY TWO-HYUUGA MANOR---

" Father! I'm sorry!" said Hinata, rushing though the gate and into the manor courtyard. The clan was going through it's morning training.

In unison the men averted their eyes.

" Hinata, where were you?" said Hiashi, walking over. He was looking downwards so he didn't see anything.

" I-I…I…." Hinata stuttered, to afraid to speak. How could she tell her father the truth?

Hinata promptly fainted.

"…"

" Neji, you help her to her room." said Hiashi, walking away.

---DAY TWO-KAKASHI'S PORN COLLECTION---

_Ahh…this is the life._ thought Kakashi, sinking down into his soft chair. He was in his deepest, darkest vault, which had wall to wall bookcases of Jiraiya's novels, various magazines, DVD's, and a three hentai manga that he had confiscated from Sasuke.

" Let's see….Ninja Lust Part Five! Perfect!" said the Copy Ninja, taking a book of the shelf he kept by his chair. They were his favorites.

Above, he could hear ANBU going though his house, searching for any more peeping places. Besides Anko's, the had found numerous others. Kakashi had never cared about them, but since Anko almost died of blood loss in his ceiling it was time to get them removed.

Ding!

" Finally!" said Kakashi, looking at his computer. That sound meant one thing: Someone had posted a new video on his favorite site! He raced over and clicked though the pages, finding the file.

"Demon container gets it on with three kunochi." he read aloud, going over the title.

_Wait. _

_No way. _

_But…that's…Naruto…and…Sakura in the picture…and the Hyuuga girl and the ramen girl…_

He clicked download anyway.

---DAY TWO-SOME RANDOM STREET---

Naruto was walking down the street woozily. Sakura had finally left after he had collapsed from chakra depletion and she couldn't help him with medical jutsu anymore. He was more tired than he had ever been…but it was a good tired.

" Hey there, squirt!" said Anko, waving to him. " How's the spandex!"

" Good." he croaked.

" You okay kid?" said Anko concernedly. " If your feeling bad, head to the hospital. I just got out myself. There working great today."

" I just need something to eat." said Naruto, continuing towards the ramen stand.

" Tell you what! I'll buy you a bowl." said Anko, falling in step with him.

" Why?" asked the blonde boy.

" Cause your cute." said Anko, pinching his cheek.

---DAY TWO-YAMANAKA FLOWERS R US---

" Did you here?" said a older woman. " That Uzamaki boy apparently made quite a ruckus with some lady friends last night!"

" And I heard that the Hokage was nude in public!" said her equally haggish friend.

Ino's ear's were twitching. She couldn't believe it.

The gossip today was the best it had been in years.

" I heard that there was a bit of a scandle at the Hyuuga residence yesterday. Apparently, when the clan leader saw his daughter in the new uniform…."

" Are you getting this?" asked her mother.

" I am. What's dad got?" replied Ino, instantly memorizing every rumor.

" Apparently those two jounin that are always together? One of them has the bandage on his nose? Apparently they were drunk last night and decided that they'd rather streak through town than wear the jumpsuits!" said her mother in a whispered tone. " And rumor is that Ibiki is going to be singing sopranno from now on!"

" Really?" Ino said, shocked. The special jounin would seem much less intimidating with that voice. He might be unable to continue his job as the chief interrogator.

" Big news!" Ino's father came rushing in. " The Hokage's not wearing a jumpsuit anymore! She's ignoring her own decree!"

" What!" exclaimed the Yamanka, rushing over to get the details.

---DAY TWO-KAKASHI'S PORN LAIR---

" How is that even possible?" exclaimed the copy ninja, watching the screen with his Sharingan. He was sure he wanted half the things he'd seen. He couldn't make that many shadow clones, but it would still be worth knowing. He might have to adapt a few.

" Naruto-kun!"

He had to admit, he felt a little dirty watching his students, but to hell with that! This blew away Jiraiya's last book!

---DAY TWO-RAMEN STAND---

" So, what happened to you?" asked Anko. Naruto was eating voraciously, trying to regain the energy he had lost.

" I don't wanna say." said Naruto, blushing.

" I'll tell you." said Ayame, leaning on the counter. She motioned for Anko to lean over and whispered something in her ear. Naruto blushed deeply.

" Really?" exclaimed Anko.

" And more." said Ayame, giving Naruto a wink.

" That's it, kid. Time for you to pay me back for the ramen." said Anko, grabbing Naruto and hauling him off.

" Hey! Wait!" Naruto began to protest, but he fell silent when Anko held a kunai to his throat.

" Don't worry, sweetie. I'll be gentle."

From the toothy, sadistic grin on her face, Naruto got the feeling she would be anything but.

---DAY TWO-KYUUBI'S COMPUTER

Logging on to Demonnet….please wait….

Logging on to Demonchat…screen name Foxxor…Tailed Beast Room…please wait.

Welcome to Demonchat! Rules Change Rooms Possess Soul

2tailKitty: Hey! I saw the video

Foxxor: WUT

Raccoon of Doom: I posted the video on a few sites. It's gone viral!

Foxxor: NO WAI

2tailKitty: Can I borrow him sometime my host doesn't get much action

2tailKitty: and she likes blondes

Foxxor: SUR3 LOL

2tailKitty: So how much of that did you teach him

Foxxor: NOTHNG!LOL TEH KIT SI A NATURAL

Foxxor: I GUES HE HAD 2 B GOD AT SOMETHNG!!1!1

Raccoon of Doom: Figures. My host just kills stuff with sand. Your's is a natural porn star.

2tailKitty: lol

---DAY TWO-NEAR THE ACADEMY---

" Naruto!" cried Iruka as his favorite student came stumbling though the bushes near the playground and collapsed in the sandbox. " Are you okay?" he asked, rushing over to his student. " Everyone inside!" yelled the chunnin, sending his students away.

" I…" began Naruto weakly.

" What? Were you attacked?" Iruka asked, voice full of concern.

" I think I just got raped by Anko." said Naruto, sitting up.

"…"

" You poor man." said Iruka sincerely. " This was your first time?"

" Huh?" Naruto was confused now.

" She hasn't gone after you before, right?" asked the chunnin.

" N-no." replied Naruto quickly.

" Well, welcome to the club." said Iruka, giving his a supportive look. Naruto's jaw went slack in surprise.

" Did you get the Snake Arm Special or the Dual Snake Two-Way?"

" Both."

" Ooh." said Iruka, wincing.


	4. Chapter 4

---DAY THREE-KYUUBI'S COMPUTER---

Logging on to Demonnet….please wait….

Logging on to Demonchat…screen name Foxxor…Tailed Beast Room…please wait.

Foxxor: HAY!!!1!1!!1

Raccoon of Doom: Kyuubi, thank god. Did the police get there yet?"

Foxxor: WUT

Raccoon of Doom: That host your in! He's under age and so were two of the girls!

Foxxor: AND UR POINT IS?!!!?! WTF LOL

Raccoon of Doom: …

Raccoon of Doom: Dude, that's child porn.

Foxxor: ….

Foxxor: SHIT

---DAY THREE-SHIKAMRU'S ROOM---

This was not right.

It was six in the morning.

And he was cleaning his room.

" Shika-chan!" called his mother. " Breakfast!"

Glad to be able to tear himself way from the strangely engrossing chore, he went downstairs. His mother was humming to herself as she served breakfast. His father, as with yesterday, was still asleep.

Yesterday had been surreal. He's spent half the day helping his mother, gone on a run, trained, done his chores, and consoled a hungry Choji.

He hadn't taken a nap the entire day. He just felt full of energy and motivated, but in the back of his mind he still wanted to be lazy.

Unfortunately, he was no longer in control The jumpsuit was.

---DAY THREE-KAKASHI'S PORN LAIR---

" Hey! Hey!" said Kakashi, struggling under the ANBU's grasp. He watched, tearily eyed, as the masked ninja hauled away the last of his DVD's. " You can't do that!"

" I'm afraid we can." said the ANBU captain. " As we found illegal child porn on your computer, we can legally confiscate anything from you."

" Not that!" said Kakashi. " You didn't label the boxes! I'll have to sort them all out again!"

" I am sorry to inform you, sir, that you will not be getting this back." said one of the female ANBU. " It will all be destroyed."

---DAY THREE-THE FAR SIDE OF TOWN---

" Did you hear a man screaming as if his soul had just been torn from him?"

" Bet it was Anko and Iruka again."

" Iruka squeals more."

---DAY THREE-HINATA'S BEDROOM---

The Hyuuga heiress woke and sat up, happy to see she was in her room, alone. She blushed shamefully, remembering the previous day. She got out of bed, showered, and donned her uniform. She felt hungry and eagerly walked towards the dining hall. Most of the clan was already there and breakfast was underway. She took her seat quietly.

" Good morning, Hinata-sama." said Neji respectfully. She greeted him, the helped herself to some rice.

" Hinata, you never told me where you were yesterday." said Hiashi, eves averted from his daughters curvaceous form.

" I don't want to." said Hinata, without thinking.

" What?" said Hiashi, surprised at his daughters cheek. " You will answer me with respect!" he said scoldingly.

" Dad, shut it." said Hinata.

The chopsticks of the Hyuuga fell to the ground in a collective clatter. Gasping in shock, Hinata covered her mouth with her hands.

" You dare…." Hiashi stuttered, eye twitching dangerously.

" Hell yeah! I'm tired of you always micromanaging my life!" Hinata blurted out, unable to stop herself.

" I am your father! You will respect me!!" shouted Hiashi, leaping to his feet.

" Respect this!" said Hinata, pulling her jumpsuit and flashing her father.

---DAY THREE-HOKAGE'S OFFICE---

" Is that Hiashi-sama?" asked Shizune, pointing to a man flying though the air, propelled by the stream of blood from his nose.

" Could be." said Tsunade, leaning out the window to get a better look.

RIIIIPPP.

---DAY THREE-KOHONA HOSPITAL---

" Code one! Code one! Move! Move!" said thirty medic-nin in unison, pushing a fleet of thirty unconscious ninja towards the emergency ward.

" Tsunade leaned out another window?" asked thirty nurses, racing after thirty trolleys.

" Get me thirty transfusions, quick!" said thirty head doctors.

---DAY THREE-AKIMACHI LIVING ROOM---

" Do we have to?" whined Choji as his father turned on the VCR.

" We must." said the man, taking out the workout video he had borrowed from the Yamanaka. He slid it and pressed play.

" All right! Were going to start with some jumping jacks to warm up!" said a cheery kunochi who appeared onscreen. " Count with me!"

" One!" wheezed the Akimachi family before collapsing to the ground.

---DAY THREE-OUTSIDE A PORN STORE---

" How can I be blacklisted!" said Kakashi, pounding on the window of the store.

" We can't sell to you." said the storeowner, pointing to a poster with Kakashi's face on it. " I'm sorry."

Kakashi slumped dejectedly.

He had lost everything.

He didn't even have a copy Porn Fanatic's Weekly to console him.

He'd have to try and distract himself.

He turned and walked down the street, the picture of dejection.

---DAY THREE-RAMEN STAND---

" Naruto-kun!" squealed one of the fan girls. The line of shadow clones was barely holding them back as Naruto ate his ramen, watching them in fascination.

" Please go out with me!" called one of the others. " I'll do anything you want!"

" I'll do twice what she will!" called a woman in a ANBU mask.

" I've got way more experience! Pick me!" called the old woman from the village council.

_I guess Sakura talked._ thought Naruto, smiling foxily. He'd been accosted by fan girls since morning. Apparently, they finally realized how good looking he was. He could see most of the old Sasuke Fan Club in the crowd, cheered Naruto's name.

" Stop crowding!" Sakura yelled into her megaphone. The girl had taken up the position of fangirl-in-chief and was directing the rest. " He needs to rest for a while, then he'll be ready!"

" Sakura, what are you talking about?" asked Naruto, confused.

" With your shadow clones, you'll be able to date everyone at once." explained Sakura lovingly. " It's the perfect situation! Everyone gets Naruto!"

The pink haired girl leaned over to his ear and whispered " But I get two."

Naruto gulped. He wasn't sure he liked where this was heading.

" Hey!" said Anko, battering her way though the line. " Where the hell have you been? It's nine already!"

" But…but…ramen!" said Naruto, hugging the bowl to him.

" No buts!" said Anko, holding up her arm. A dozen snakes shot from her sleeve and latched onto Naruto's uniform, then pulled back, tearing it from his muscular frame.

Naruto whimpered in fear as the crowd piled on him.

---DAY THREE-JIRAIYA'S ROOM---

" This is pure gold!" said Jiraiya, smiling pervertedly as he wrote. He owed Naruto and Sai so much! Naruto, for getting the girls, and Sai for preserving the scene forever!

" Jiraiya-sama!" said Sai, rushing into the room. " We need to get to the ramen stand quickly!"

" What? Why?" asked Jiraiya, setting down his finished manuscript.

" Naruto. Forty fan girls. Anko. In the street." said Sai.

A moment later, the two artists were gone.

---DAY THREE-A BENCH---

" Why me?" sobbed Kakashi. It was really quite sad to see the jounin weeping. " It's not like I filmed it!"

" Filmed what?" said a voice, distracting him. He looked up and found Shizune standing by him.

" Nothing." said Kakashi, not wanting to be labeled a pervert like Jiraiya.

" So, where's your porn?" said Shizune, looking for the telltale orange book.

" Gone." said Kakashi, sounding detached. " It's all gone."

" Finally!" said Shizune, sighing. " You spend to much time with that stuff. You need to try living a real life."

" What do you do in a real life?" said Kakashi, looking up at Shizune with exasperation.

" Ummm…." said the medic-nin, thinking deep. Actually, other than working for Tsunade-sama, she didn't have a life either. " Go to movies?"

" Ooh!" said Kakashi, his visible eye lighting up. " We could see Busty Assassians Five! It's showing in a hour!"

" No." said Shizune, sighing. " I meant a regular movie. Like on of those action movies or something."

" Busty Assassians Five is a action movie." said Kakashi sheepishly. Shizune bopped him on the head.

" That settles it. I'm going to take you to a movie and make sure its rated under PG-13."

And with that, she grabbed his hand and drug him towards the theater.

---DAY THREE-HOKAGE'S OFFICE---

Bang! Bang! Bang!

" Granny Tsunade!" cried Naruto from the other side of the door. " Let me it!"

" Come in, Naruto." sighed Tsunade. The blonde ninja raced inside, locking the door behing him. He was wearing a jumpsuit that looked like it was for someone larger than him.

" What is it, Naruto?" asked Tsunade, glad to be distracted from her work.

" Fangirls!" said Naruto, wringing his hands and looking around nervously. " I keep getting mobbed by fan girls wherever I go! Anko's torn my clothes off three times already!"

" And you're here why?" asked the Hokage.

" I figured you could keep me safe!" said Naruto, shutting the blinds. " I never knew why Sasuke hated them so much, but their crazy! One tried to pry out my teeth for souvenirs!"

RIIIPPP.

Naruto stood, not daring to move. He fortunately had his back to Tsunade so he wasn't able to see her bosom, but his imagination was…vivid.

" Sorry." said the Hokage, putting on a coat made of green spandex. " Nothing I can really do for you."

" But Granny Tsunade!" whimpered Naruto, turning to face her.

RIIIPP.

" That's not fair!" yelled Tsunade at breasts, which jiggled, taunting her with their freedom. " It was a coat! A freaking coat!"

" I'm sorry!" pleaded Naruto, covering his eyes shamefully. " I couldn't help seeing!"

" There you are!" cried Sakura, crashing into the office. " I found him!" she called down the hall. Seconds later, the fan girls began to pour into the room.

" STOP!" commanded the Hokage, bringing them all to a halt. " As of now, Naruto is off limits to you all. You will disperse and go home."

" Awww." moaned the crowd, turning and walking down the stairs defeatedly. Sakura shut the door as she exited, but not before giving Naruto a wistful look.

" T-thanks!" said Naruto, eyes still clamped shut.

" Not a problem, Naruto." said Tsunade, standing up. " You reacted so politely when I was exposed, there was no way I could let them maul you."

" Oh. Thanks!" said Naruto, still not daring to open his eyes. Tsunade walked over to him and leaned over. He was so cute when he was blushing. With her chakra-enchanced strength, she pried his arms from his face. The boy looked at her in shock.

" W-what are you doing?" he said fearfully.

" You." said Tsunade before forcing him to the floor.

---DAY THREE-YAMANAKA FLOWERS R US---

" Hinata did what to her father?" said Ino in disbelief.

" In front of the entire clan! I hear she's completely out of control!" said her mother. " And apparently Naruto's been locked in the Hokage's office for hours!"

" What's going on in there?" asked Ino, looking towards the tower.

" Who knows. But did you also hear the Akimachi are dieting?"

" No way!" Ino said, jaw dropping. The image of the slim Choji she had seen all-too-briefly flashed in her mind.

" We've got a huge news!" said Ino's father, rushing inside. " Kakashi's dating Shizune!"

The Yamanaka were in heaven.


	5. Chapter 5

---DAY FIVE-HOKAGE'S TOWER---

" Where's Naruto-kun!" cried a fan girl accusingly. The ANBU had taken positions around the building to hold back the ever-growing crowd, but they were far outnumbered.

" Your keeping him for yourself!" yelled Hinata, brandishing a pitchfork. " Give him back!"

" Silence!" said Tsunade, striding from the tower. The angry mob, despite itself, obeyed.

Tsunade glared out at the crowrd disapprovingly. She paced across the top of the stairs once, then turned to face them.

" First, I would like to express my displeasure that you all would dare riot by my tower." began Tsunade, practically steaming. Guiltly, the assembled women looked away from her accusing gaze. " And second, that you would think I'd have anything to do with that idiot is simply insulting. I'm fifty-four for crying out loud. If I want a date, I'll go with Jiraiya."

" Woo hoo!" cried the toad sage, leaping from the bushes. " So were on for dinner?"

" No!" yelled Tsunade, punching him lightly in the gut. " It was just a example!"

As Jiraiya walked away dejectedly, Tsunade regained her composure and dropped the bombshell.

" Finally, since last night, Naruto has been mission."

" Noooooo!" cried the fan girls in unison. They could remember all to well when Sasuke had gone missing, leaving them without a victim.

" I'm sorry, it's true. ANBU reported him being kidnapped during the evening. We believe it was the Akatsuki." said Tsunade, resisting a smile.

" What!?" shouted Sakura, before pushing her way forward and taking out a megaphone. " This is a red alert! Everyone get your full gear and meet at the gate in twenty minutes! We're going to go save Naruto and kill the Akatsuki bastards once and for all!"

" Yeah!" cried the entire young population of girls and a number of older ones. They raced of, chanting death for the black cloaked bastards.

Tsunade sighed and motioned for the ANBU to leave, then walked back up to her office. _Thank god. I got through that entire thing without…._

RIIIPPPP.

" Aw, who cares?" she said with a giggle, locking the door and walking to her bookcase. " It'd be coming off in a minute!" She presses a secret button and the bookshelf spun around, revealing a chained up Naruto.

" Who's been a good boy while Granny was gone?" she cooed, tickling his chin. Naruto gave out a canine-like sigh of pleasure as she scratched, having long ago resigned himself to his fate.

---DAY FIVE-SHIKAMARU'S ROOM---

" It's just not possible!" Shikamaru yelled in frustration. He'd been up for hours, trying to figure out how the jumpsuits could have such a huge effect.

Which, ironically, he wouldn't have done without the jumpsuit.

" There's no embedded chakra, no hidden devices, no nothing!" he said, laying back with a whimper. He didn't like it when his brain wasn't able to instantly solve situations.

_Gai and Lee._ he thought, sitting up. _They'll be able to tell me why._

" Yosh!" he shouted, leaping to his feet. " And I'll sprint the whole way!"

He wanted to cry as he took off at a run.

---DAY FIVE-AKIMACHI LIVING ROOM---

" And fifty!" said the ever-cheery kunochi.

" We did it!" cheered Choji.

" Are we thin?" said his mother, looking to her own waist. It didn't seem much different.

" Now that we're done with warm-ups, let's do some squats! Count with me!" continued the exercise-nin.

The Akimachi groaned, ignored their aching muscles, and followed, counting out loud.

---DAY FIVE-KYUUBI'S COUCH---

" When does this kid stop?" said the Kyuubi, raptly watching the Naruto-cam. That wasn't to say that the old lady was any bad, but the boy had been taken hundreds of times in the last few days and he barely seemed effected! The Kyuubi didn't think he'd last nearly that long.

It wasn't fair.

---DAY FIVE-RAMEN STAND---

" You have to be kidding." said Kakashi with a laugh.

" No joke!" said Shizune, taking a bite of ramen. " She still sleeps with it!"

" But a plush sake bottle?" said Kakashi, returning to his meal for a moment. " Has the Hokage never heard of a teddy bear?"

" I guess not." said Shizune, giggling.

Kakashi had to admit, he was plenty distracted from his porn. The action movie last night had been quite impressive and he had a few one-liners he'd like to use. And going out to dinner with Shizune…had been a unique experience. He'd never been on a date before, but had found it highly enjoyable.

" So why don't you take off that mask?" asked Shizune.

" I don't like to." said Kakashi, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

" Why?" Shizune inquired, pressing the issue.

" Because," said Kakashi embarrassedly. " I had acne as a kid. I always wore it to hide my face, and I guess I got used to it."

" But you don't have it now?" asked Shizne before taking a slurp of broth.

" I don't know." said Kakashi embarrassedly. " I don't look at my face without it on."

Before he could stop her, Shizune leaned over and ripped the mask off his face, revealing the last unknown part of the famous ninja.

" See, you don't look to bad." said Shizune, holding pointing to his face in a mirror. Kakashi winced before looking, but was surprised to see that he was quite handsome.

" Wanna make out?" he offered bluntly. Shizune almost choked on a noodle.

---DAY FIVE-GAI AND LEE'S TRAINING GROUND---

" Gai-sensei!" called Shikamaru, jogging up.

" Lee, take a break!" said Gai. The two had been sparring. Lee saluted, dropped, and began doing pushups.

" What is it?" asked Gai, looking to Shikamaru with interest.

" It's about the jumpsuits, Gai-sensei!" said Shikamaru, jogging in place. " How do they do everything?"

" What do you mean?" asked Gai, confused.

" Since I put it on, Gai-sensei, I've felt very motivated, which is unusual." explained Shikamaru. " And everyone else wearing one is also being affected. Naruto has become popular, Choji is trying to lose weight, and a million other things!"

" Ah!" said Gai, leaning back and laughing. " That! Did Lee not tell you?"

" It will change your life!" said Lee, not breaking from his pushups.

" Indeed." said Gai, looking thoughtful. " They use a special type of polyester that I discovered a number of years ago. It changes things to meet your deepest desires."

" But Naruto was mobbed by girls! And I can't take a break!" said Shikamaru, continuing to jog.

" That shouldn't be." said Gai, scratching his chin. " I have the mix perfectly. If you don't keep the proper balance, too much will happen."

" Gai-sensei…." said a motionless, stunned Lee. " I did not…know that. I may have….doubled the amount used in the uniforms we ordered."

Gai's expression and stance did not change for several moments as he stood paralyzed.

" We're all gonna die." he said, helping Lee to his feet.

" What?" said Shikamaru in shock.

" The material amplifies youthfulness." said Gai, stretching his arms upwards. " I knew the youth levels of Kohona would be dangerously high, but it was not a risk. But with the doubled amount of material, the youth levels would be off the charts. Want to get a pizza, Lee?"

" But you said such fatty food was off limits, sensei!" said a concerned Lee.

" Like it matters now." said Gai, striding towards the village. " Unless something soaks up all that youthfullness, we'll all be dead of youth poisoning by evening."

---DAY FIVE-KOHONA HOSPITAL---

" I'm sorry Anko, but the test came back positive again." said the nurse, hiding behind her clipboard.

" I'll take another one!" said Anko, waving her arms in a panic.

" There's no reason too. I'm afraid you are pregnant."

Anko slumped in her seat.

How could this happen?

To her? It wasn't fair!

" You should tell the father immediately." said the nurse, writing on the clipboard. " It's best not to wait."

" He's gone." said Anko, holding her head in her hands.

" Gone?" said the nurse in surprise. " Couldn't you have ANBU track him?"

" They already are, along with his fan club." said Anko before blowing a raspberry.

" You mean Naruto?" said the nurse in surprise. Anko nodded. The nurse sighed.

" I'm afraid we'll have to move you to a different ward then." said the nurse, opening the door.

" Huh?" said Anko, confused.

" Little Uzamaki's been busy." said the nurse, pointing to a long line of women wearing shirts with Naruto's face emblazoned on the front, happily chatting away.

Anko sighed and joined the procession.

---DAY FIVE-AKATSUKI HEADQUARTERS---

" WHERE THE HELL IS HE!" screamed a demonic Hinata as she slapped around Kisame. " You tell me now or we get the wooden spoon back out!"

" I don't know!" pleaded Kisame, tears streaming down his face. " I don't know!"

" Crap." said Hinata, letting go of the blue ninja's collar. He fell to the ground, but was promptly dragged off by the other fan girls. His screams echoed though the building as he was taken from view.

All that were left now was Itachi, who had soiled himself a long time ago.

" So, it was you." said Sakura, a black aura of malice radiating from her. She drew her kunai and, flanked by the others, advanced on the Uchiha.

" No-no! I swear!" said Itachi, waving his hands and backing into a wall.

" LIAR!" shouted Sakura, lunging for the kill.

---DAY FIVE-OUTSIDE AKATSUKI HEADQUARTERS---

" I guess he was telling the truth." said Sakura, wiping the blood from her sleeve as she and the Legion of Vengeful Kunochi walked outside.

" But where's Naruto then?" asked someone.

" Well, if Akatsuki didn't have him…" said Hinata grimly, trailing her words for drama.

" Then Tsunade was lying." said Sakura, cracking her knuckles.

---DAY FIVE-KOHONA ACADEMY---

" Correct!" said Iruka. Today had been great! His students were all attentive and focused, Anko hadn't been by, and the headmaster had given him a raise.

All was good.

---DAY FIVE-AKIMACHI DINNER TABLE---

" Where's dinner?" said Choji, looking around. There was a single plate in front of him with a plain salad.

" This is dinner." replied his mother.

The Akimachi sighed. All was bad.

---DAY FIVE-INUZUKA PLACE---

" I found my squeaky toy!" cheered Kiba.

All was good.

---DAY FIVE-THE NARA RESIDENCE---

Shikamaru's father woke up and yawned.

He was awake.

All was not good.

---DAY FIVE-HYUUGAVILLE---

Neji locked the bathroom door and unzipped his trousers, sighing as his bladder emptied.

Wait. Something felt different. He looked down. _It's bigger! It's almost two inches!_

All was good.

---DAY FIVE-HOKAGE'S TOWER---

Tsunade sighed, looking towards the bookcase longingly. She knew Naruto was trapped behind it, waiting for her eagerly, but she had so much work….

" Dammit, Shizune, where is my work!" she called out angrily. She hadn't seen her assistant all day. Her desk was bare, though she knew that wherever Shizune got the paperwork from there was probably a small mountain of forms.

RIIIPPPP.

Tsunade sat back, stretching in her chair. Truthfully, the sun felt quite nice on her skin.

She was distracted from a angry pounding on her door. A moment later it slithered in and a angry mob filled her office.

" Ah, dammit." she said, sitting up.

" We know you have him. Just give him up quietly and you'll get a shadow clone like everyone else." said Sakura menacingly.

" Oh, I don't think so." said Tsunade, pushing a button. The bookcase swung back, revealing the imprisoned Naruto. " Come to Granny." said Tsunade, whistling. Naruto raced over and buried his head in Tsunade's bosom. " I've got him pretty well trained now." Naruto gave out a contented sigh as she scratched behind his ear.

" But that's not fair!" said Hinata angrily.

" Tough!" laughed Tsunade. " Your just angry you didn't think of it!"

" Wait!" said Sakura suddenly. " That's a shadow clone!"

" What?" said Tsunade in surprise. The clone suddenly disappeared, leaving a note.

" Sorry." Tsunade read, looking over the note. " The fan girls aren't as scary as you, Granny Tsunade."

" I bet he's at his house!" said Hinata.

The fan girls all rushed off, Tsunade included, to find him.


	6. Chapter 6

---DAY SIX-ABREAKFAST PLACE---

" Thanks for treating me, Kakashi." said Shizune, putting down her chopsticks.

" My pleasure." said the Copy Ninja, smiling behind his mask. " Least I could do to pay you back for the movie."

" Kakashi, that's the third time you've paid me back." said Shizune, leaning towards him flirtatiously. " I think it's time to just say were dating."

" Are we?" Kakashi said, eyebrow raised in mock surprise.

" Kakashi, we made out yesterday." said Shizune with a giggle. " We had dinner together, and now were having breakfast. I think that's a yes."

" Well then, that settles it!" said Kakashi, sitting back. " So, what now?"

" I have to go help Tsunade-sama." said Shizune regretfully.

" Then I'll walk you there."

---DAY SIX-GAI'S HOUSE---

He had forgotten.

How had he forgotten? It was his favorite breakfast, no, meal!

Gai ripped open another bag of pork rinds and poured them into the bowl, dousing them with chocolate syrup. He began to eat it like cereal, taste buds quivering in pleasure.

" Ooohhh." groaned Lee, waving up. He sat up, covering his eyes. _His head must be killing him._ thought Gai, taking another bite.

" What did I do?" said Lee, cringing.

" I treated you to some sake in lieu of our impending doom." said Gai. " Pork rind?" he asked, holding up the bag.

" But that is the most forbidden food of all!" Lee said loudly before groaning and covering his ears.

" Who cares?" said Gai. " We're lucky the raised levels of youthfulness haven't yet killed us."

" But you mentioned that the youthfullness could be soaked up! Why don't we try that?" asked Lee.

" Lee….at that level, it can only be absorbed…by babies." said Gai, having trouble talking though the chocolate. " We'd need nearly a hundred women to become pregnant. I've never even had a date."

" Oh…" said Lee, eyes downcast. His face lit up. " In that case, I'm going to go have some more sake!"

" Enjoy our last few moments, Lee!" said Gai as his apprentice hobbled from the building.

---DAY SIX-YAMANAKA FLOWERS R US---

" A hundred?" said Ino's mother, falling back into a chair.

" A hundred." said Ino, confirming it. " I heard it while I was at the hospital training."

" And he fathered every one?" asked her father.

" Well, they don't know yet, but that's what it looks like." answered Ino. " There's even a few people I know. Sakura, Hinata, that lady who runs the forest of death…"

Her parents leaned in as Ino smirked the 'and most importantly' smirk the Yamanaka reserved for only huge rumors.

" …and Tsunade-sama."

---DAY SIX-NARUTOS APARTMENT---

" One hundred girls." said Naruto, head held in his hands.

" I'm not sure whether to yell at you or congratulate you." said Iruka, giving Naruto a symphatic look. " But it is your fault."

" How?" said Naruto in frusteration.

" Well, you should've been more careful." replied Iruka.

" I was raped! Over and over! And over!" said Naruto, nearly crying. " I didn't have a choice!"

" I meant like using a condom." said Iruka.

" A what?" Naruto asked, blinking.

" You…never mind." said Iruka, shaking his head. It was too late to explain. " I guess you'll have to take on a lot more missions to pay for it all."

" Oh man!" said Naruto, folding his arms over his head in panic. " I didn't even think of that!"

" Well, with your clones, you can do a bunch of things at once." said Iruka encouragingly. " You'll have to make a couple hundred a day though. Paying for a family's going to cost a lot. You'll need to pay for housing, food, utilities, clothes, diapers, and other expenses."

" Or, he could accept a gift." said Jiraiya, who appeared in the window.

" Huh?" said Naruto and Iruka in unison.

" Well, I borrowed a bunch of money from you while I trained you, so I figure I owe you." said Jiraiya.

" And since I owe you for most of the scenes in my new book, I suppose you should get a cut of the profits. It goes to print tomorrow, so we'll soon know what you'll make."

" How much?" asked Naruto.

" Well, the publisher keeps fifty percent, Sai gets five percent for the illustrations, and I get the other fourty-five percent…but I suppose I could cut my take down to five percent as well. I'm already rich."

" That means…I get…" said Naruto, trying to work it out on his fingers.

" Fouty percent!" said Iruka in awe. " Jiraiya-sama, you'd give him that much?"

" Sure!" said the toad sage, ruffling Naruto's hair. " He's like my grandson anyways."

" T-thanks, Pervy Sage." said Naruto, tears forming in his eyes.

" I'll give you another percent if you stop calling me that." said Jiraiya.

" Deal."

---DAY SIX-AKIMACHI KITCHEN---

" Where's breakfast?" asked Choji.

" On your plate." said his mother, pointing to a lone bean.

" That's ridiculous!" said Choji, looking at his plate in disgust. " I want to lost weight, but that's just too little!"

" This is what the Yamanaka suggested." said his father, picking up his bean and eating it sadly.

" Well…I had a idea that might work better…." said Choji. " You know how the red pill consumes our fat for chakra?"

" Choji, those are too dangerous!" said his father.

" But what if we tried to find a weaker form! If it consumes less, it won't be dangerous!"

There was a moment of silence.

" To the lab!" shouted his mother, leaping onto the (steel reinforced) table.

---DAY SIX-UZAMAKI WARD---

" Next!" called the Shizune, opening the door for the next patient. Tsunade shuffled in.

" Tsunade-sama…" said Shizune, wide eyed.

" He was just so cute." Tsunade said, blushing deeply. " I couldn't help myself."

" But…at your age…!" said Shizune, still stunned.

" I haven't hit menopause yet." said Tsunade, sitting in the chair.

" I don't think I really need to tell you what to do as a expectant mother." said Shizune, looking over Tsunade's chart.

" No." said the Hokage, sighing.

" Well, I'll contact you when it's time for your checkup." said Shizune. Tsunade nodded and exited the room.

" Isn't this wonderful!" cheered Sakura and Hinata. " We're part of his family now!"

" I heard he's going to by the old Uchiha manor and let us live in it!" said someone.

" No way! That place is amazing!"

---DAY SIX-UCHIHA MANOR---

" All right! Jiraiya's putting the down payment, uh, down as we speak! Get to work!" Naruto yelled to his army of clones. They saluted and rushed into the manor, which was practically a castle. They first explored the entire building, which had been abandoned for a few years, and cleaned it thoroughly. They then took down every one of the Uchiha fan symbols, putting up ramen posters.

" And we're done!" said Naruto to the crowd of clones. " Let's go get my stuff and move it to the main bedroom!"

" Yeah!" cheered the clones.

---DAY SIX-KYUUBI'S COMPUTER---

Logging on to Demonnet….please wait….

Logging on to Demonchat…screen name Foxxor…Tailed Beast Room…please wait.

Raccoon of Doom: A hundred?

Foxxor: YAS LOL

Raccoon of Doom: Holy crap. Uh, congrats. Your kinda their father too.

Foxxor: I DIDNT THINK OF TAHT!11!11! OMG WTF LOL

Foxxor: I HOPE THEY HAEV MAH TALES!!

Raccoon of Doom: That's stupid. Why would they have tails? They're human!

2tailKitty: My last hosts kids had kitty tails

Foxxor: SWEET

Raccoon of Doom: …

Raccoon of Doom: I hate you guys.

---DAY SIX-RAMEN STAND---

" I guess I lucked out." said Ayame, looking over the newspaper. " He got a hundred girls pregnant?"

" Think of it!" said Teuchi maniacally. " In a few years there will be a horde of him, all clamoring for ramen! Ah HA HA HAA! I'm gonna be rich!"

" We'll need to open a few more stands, dad. And he's bought his own manor. He might hire his own cooks."

" That's a great idea!" said Naruto, appearing at the counter. " Could I pay you guy's to put the ramen stand in the manor? I wouldn't have to walk as far then!"

" You are my best customer!" cried Teuchi, bowing to Naruto.

" I think that's a yes." said Ayame, smiling nervously and glancing at her father, who was doing cartwheels down the street.

---DAY SIX-A WILDERNESS CAMP---

" I had hoped to kill you in a fight but this works too." said Sasuke, looking down at his brother.

" Fangirls…" gasped the ninja. He had been crawling down a muddy path, trying to escape from the vicious horde.

" My fan girls did this?" asked Sasuke in surprise. " I guess I they were useful. I'll have to thank them."

" Not yours…Naruto's…." gasped Itachi.

"…"

" What?"


	7. Chapter 7

---DAY SEVEN - GAI'S APARTMENT---

The jounin woke with a snort, feeling quite full. He looked over at the mountain of empty pork rind bags a smiled, remembering the feast. He rolled out of bed with a groan, his intestines feeling uneasy.

_Wait._ he thought. _I should be dead._

He rushed to the window and looked outside. The village was still intact. How could this be? Then, in the corner he noticed his phone, the message light blinking. He walked over and played the message.

" Hey, Gai, we got bad news." said the voice of the man who made the uniforms for him. " After your apprentice called in to change the material levels, a intern his the wrong button. Nothing really changed, but the tag's are sewn in backwards. Sorry."

No.

No no no no!

If he was going to live….

He'd have to deal with the aftereffects of the pork rinds!

He groaned, racing to the bathroom in advance.

---DAY SEVEN - UZAMAKI MANOR---

" This is amazing, Naruto-kun!" said Hinata, squeezing her shadow clone in a loving hug. " We get to live together and soon we'll have kids!"

" Hey, did you move all my stuff here yet?" asked Sakura, dragging her clone around. " I want the bedroom on the east side that looks at the lake! It has the best view. Sasuke-teme usually watched from that window in the morning."

" S-sure." said the hapless clone.

" This is going to be so great!" cheered Sakura as she walked through the manor doors, which were opened by twp clones in butler uniforms.

Inside, Hinata and Sakura joined the rest of the chattering bunch. Tsunade had started a betting pool over who would have the most kids or have them first, a committee had formed on the redecoration of the beautiful but stark castle, and a line had formed in front of the ramen stand, which had been set up in the middle of the courtyard. Luggage littered the great hall and side halls, as no one had moved into their rooms yet.

" All right!" said Naruto, arriving on the scene with a team of clones. Squeals and cheers of delight greeted him as he began to speak. " Everyone, take the number that the clones hand you. This is the bedroom your assigned too."

" Don't forget, sweetie, I get to share yours!" said Anko, glomping him from behind.

" No, I do!" said Hinata, rushing forward and activating her Byakugan.

" Like hell!"

" Only his true wife, me, deserves that!"

" Quiet!" said Tsunade, taking charge. " I've got a better idea. We take turns. We'll set up a lottery to see the order we'll rotate in and go from there.

" But that's one night every hundred!" said Sakura.

" It's not like you won't usually have a shadow clone to snuggle with." reminded Tsunade. " They aren't as good as the real thing, but they'll tide you over."

" Thanks, Granny Tsunade!" said Naruto, smiling.

" Not a problem. Just remember to come when I call you!" said Tsunade, scratching behind his ear.

The fan girls nearly died from cuteness when Naruto's leg began to thump.

---DAY SEVEN - JIRAIYA'S PUBLISHER---

" This is good stuff." said the printer-nin. He was looking over the first copy of the new book. " I think it will sell well."

" It better." said Jiraiya, taking a sip of sake. " The person the main character is based off is going to be having a bunch of kids and needs the money."

" What?" said the printer-nin before slamming on the intercom. " Stop the presses! We need to change the cover!"

" Why?" asked Jiraiya. They had only just began to print.

" If we fiddle with this, we can make it a charity thing!" said the printer-nin. " We'll get tax breaks since it's for a good cause and we'll be able to sell it to new demographics! Usually the only people who buy our books are perverts, but if the proceeds help feed kids, women will buy them too, if just to give to charity."

" Oh! I see." said Jiraiya, lighting up. " If it helps, I'm giving him most of my share too."

" You sly old dog!" said the printer-nin, elbowing Jiraiya.

" Huh?" said the old man, confused.

" Well, as the author of a charity book, all those bleeding-heart, save the children type kunochi would probably fawn all over you, but if your forgoing making money to help feed the children too, I wouldn't be surprised if they kidnapped you and ravaged you every day for the rest of your life."

No, indeed, Jiraiya could find nothing wrong with the jumpsuits and the situation it had put him it. He'd have to thank Naruto, at least when he stopped foaming at the mouth.

---DAY SEVEN - SOMEWHERE---

Not only had a badly wounded Itachi escaped him, but his fan girls had abandoned him for Naruto?

The Uchiha was furious.

He raced along the treetops towards his home, the others from Snake far behind. They had began to bicker again and Sasuke didn't feel like dealing with them.

He felt like dealing with Naruto. With his fists.

---DAY SEVEN - NARUTO'S BEDROOM---

" Uh…why are you in here?" asked Naruto. Sakura simply snuggled closer.

" Well, we figured that since we've known you longer we have some extra rights." said Sakura, tracing over his jaw with her finger.

" Oh." said Naruto. He was still a little weirded out by the fact that he was using Tsunade's breasts for a pillow and had trouble thinking.

" So, you going to put out or what?" said Hinata, looking up at him hungrily.

" I…uh…I mean…" Naruto began nervously.

" Oh, don't ask him." said Tsunade with a giggle. " He doesn't like being in control."

" Hey!" barked Naruto. " Yes I do!"

" Tough. I've got dibs." said Hinata, pulling off Naruto's underwear.

" Hey, wait!" said Naruto, trying to pull away, but he felt himself go limp as Tsunade scratched behind his ear, unable to resist the women.

Though, he hated to admit, he didn't mind.

---DAY EIGHT - NARUTO'S BEDROOM

" Ow." said Naruto, staring at the ceiling.

" Oh, quit whining." said Tsunade.

" But my crotch really hurts." said Naruto. Tsunade hit him in the groin with a pillow, making him wince.

" Quiet, honey, or we'll have you start back up." said Hinata, trying to snooze.

Naruto whimpered. This was going to be harder than he thought, and Anko hadn't even been by yet.

" Hey!" said Anko, barging in. " You didn't invite me? Just for that your getting the Probing Snake Arms technique!"

Naruto cried out loud.

---DAY EIGHT - OUTSIDE THE UZAMAKI MANOR---

Sasuke's eye twitched.

His clans home was defaced. He could see the dumpster full of his clan's symbols, which had been replaced by posters and ads for ramen.

He was going to kill that idiot.

Storming inside, he made his way for the master bedroom. Naruto was sure sleep there. Sasuke scowled as he opened the door, preparing to evict the trespasser.

" THAT DOESN"T FIT THERE!"

Sasuke shut the door quickly, staring at it in wide eyed shock.

Naruto had been in there…but he doubted very much that he was happy with his location. Sasuke made a mental note to never allow anyone to use the Snake Arm's technique against him and ran towards the bathroom to throw up.

---DAY EIGHT-ABOVE NARUTO'S BEDROOM---

Sai smirked, dipping his brush into a fresh inkwell. It had been hard to make a hidden chamber to spy on Naruto, but it had been worth it. He began to draw Naruto's face, hoping to preserve the look of horror for future generations.

---DAY EIGHT - HOKAGE'S OFFICE---

" Where the hell is she?" asked Shizune, putting another pile of papers on the Hokage's desk. Tsunade-sama was very late, and she was beginning to get annoyed.

" Wouldn't know." said Kakashi from the windowsill. He held up a rose.

" Aww." said Shizune, taking the flower and giving Kakashi a kiss. " It's so corny it's cute."

" Sorry!" said Tsunade, rushing into the room. Her face was flushed.

" Figures." said Shizune with a pout as she began to help her mentor with her work.

---DAY EIGHT - A STREET ---

" So who has the real jumpsuit?" said Lee groggily. He has holding a ice pack to his forehead to stave off the throbbing hangover.

" I do not know. We need to do a sweep of the village and find out who is having their wishes furfilled." said Gai, holding up the phone book and looking down the list of names.

" Great." said Lee with a pained sigh.

---DAY EIGHT - SHINO'S ROOM ---

_Finally. It took more than a week, but it's finished._

The bug user relaxed in his chair for a moment as his hive flew from him and assembled on his desk.

" Thank you, everyone." said Shino, addressing the insects. " We have a important issue to discuss today. As per the Hokage's orders, all of the villages ninja are required to wear a special uniform. Though it was not required of you, I have spent the last eight days making you each a jumpsuit suited to your forms."

He held out the tiny piece of spandex with tweezers, presenting it to the bugs.

---DAY EIGHT - SHINO'S DESK ---

" What the hell is that?" said a yellow bug, looking at the jumpsuit in disgust. " I'd never wear that!"

" How could you do this to us?" cried a pink one.

" Do you have it in medium?" asked a rather loud, annoying bug, taking the piece of spandex and feeling it.

---DAY EIGHT - YAMANAKA FLOWER'S R US ---

" We're going to have to thank Gai and Lee." said Ino. She had been organizing the list of rumors they had made by name. Usually they could remember them with ease, but this situation had spawned more and bigger ones than usual.

" Yeah." said her father, looking over the list of girls Naruto had brought to the manor. He heard there was a committee of angry fathers forming to deal with Naruto. He'd have to help the boy in some way, as he had been their biggest provider of things to chatter about.

" Isn't this just perfect?" said Ino's mother, pouring them some tea. " It's everything we could want!"

" It is a bit of a dream come true." said Ino, sitting back.

" It's been fifty years since a scandal like this." said her father. " And that wasn't this big. I bet future generations of Yamanaka remember this as our families greatest hour."

" Well, we better get back to work then!" said Ino determinedly. Her parents nodded and they returned to their rumoring, gossiping, and general mindless chatter.

---DAY EIGHT - UZAMAKI MANOR ---

" You caught him in the bathroom." asked Sakura, pacing back and forth in front of the bound Sasuke.

" Yep." said one of the Legion of Fangirls.

" Well, I guess it's my job to decide what to do with him." said Sakura gravely. Hinata, Anko, and Sakura had been named the lieutenants kunochi, differing only to Tsunade.

" I say we make him and Naruto sleep together." said one of the yaoi fan girls.

" No, no, we can't risk blondie going gay like him." said Sakura, taking a seat on Sasuke. Below Sasuke tried to yell, but he was muffled by the duct tape covering his mouth. " I also don't want to turn him into ANBU 'cause they'll just let him escape."

" If I may make a suggestion." said Hinata, smirking evilly. Sasuke had been so cruel to Naruto she knew she had to get back at him. " We could put a branch family seal on him and make him be a butler."

Sasuke's eye's bugged at the kunochi began high fiveing Hinata.

---DAY EIGHT - YAMANAKA FLOWER'S R US---

Choji took a deep breath to calm himself, pushed open the door, and walked inside.

" Hello!" said Ino's mother, looking up. When she saw the muscle bound boy, however, her mouth just hung open. Choji had gone from 'pleasantly plump' to 'Ahnold Schwartzanegger'.

" INO!" called her mother urgently. " GET OUT HERE NOW!" The blonde girl ran out to see what had happened, stopping dead in her tracks when she saw Choji.

" Hey." said Choji, waving.

Ino melted.

" Are you here to try and date my daughter?" asked Ino's mother, not taking her eyes from Choji.

" Yes." said the Akimachi with a smile.

" She'll be ready at eight. We'll pay for dinner." said the woman, a droplet of blood rolling down her lip as she stared at Choji. " And if she breaks up with you, give me a call."

---DAY EIGHT - NARUTO'S BEDROOM ---

Sasuke knocked twice, waited a moment, then entered.

" Your ramen, milord." said the Uchiha, walking towards the bed with a breakfast tray.

" All right!" said Naruto, sitting up. " Way to go, Sasuke! Your getting this down!" Several fan girls took the tray from Sasuke and proceeded to feed Naruto lovingly.

Sasuke wanted to cry, and not just because they were making him wear a tutu.


	8. Chapter 8

---DAY NINE - A KOHONA STREET---

" Well, that rules out everyone in this area." said Lee, marking off the last name. They had been going through the village block by block, looking for the Power Uniform. They had yet to find it, however.

" I think we should focus our youthful efforts on the most likely candidates." said Guy, taking his thoughtful pose.

" Who, Guy-sensei?" asked Lee eagerly. _Sensei is so smart!_

" The people who have had the most pronounced changes." said Guy with a smile.

" Ah! Like them!" said Lee, pointing. Guy looked in the direction his student had indicated. Ino was walking with a muscle bound Choji, gripping onto his massively muscled arm. Behind her trailed a line of hearts and she had a dreamy look on her face.

" Yosh!" said Guy. " No Akimachi would be able to lose so much weight so quickly! It must be him!"

" But there's also Naruto-kun…." said Lee, trailing off as he began to think. " He has all those women, a mansion, and Sasuke returned."

" Indeed." said Guy, scratching his chin. " He has gotten more than anyone."

" And the Aburmae clan discovered a new type of ant." said Lee, going down the list. " The Nara clan has finally found motivation, Jiraiya-sama has published a new book which is selling well, and everyone else is having wonderful times."

" Well, we can rule out the Hyuuga at least." said Guy with a sigh.

" Poor Neji. His youthfulness is so weak." said Lee tearfully.

----DAY NINE - HYUUGA MEETING HALL---

" All rise for the Meeting of Hyuuga Men." said Hiashi. The Hyuuga men, who had assembled for a emergency council, rose in usison. " All be seated."

" What's this about?" asked one of the clansmen.

" As you may have noticed, there have been some recent…changes." said Hiashi, keeping the level of decorum for the Hyuuga Clan. " Our legendary….smallness….seems to be disappearing."

" Hell yes!" came the voice of someone's wife from outside.

" I believe that we have three things we need to do." continued Hiashi. " First, we should apologize to Guy, for this is the result of his jumpsuits."

" How could they have done anything?" asked someone.

" It started about the time we began to wear them." said Neji, setting the record straight.

" Correct. Second, I have officially changed the clan uniform to the jumpsuits." said Hiashi. " If it is because of them, we can only expect that if the jumpsuits are not worn, things will….revert."

" And nobody wants that!" yelled another Hyuuga woman from outside.

" And third?" asked Neji.

" Men, to your women!" ordered Hiashi.

" Yes, Hiashi-sama!" said the Hyuuga men, racing off.

---DAY NINE - TENTENS PERSONAL ARMORY----

" Yes!" cheered Tenten triumphantly. " Three thousand bulls eyes in a row! Wooo! Woooo!" she yelled, running around in circles.

" Lets see…" said Tenten, checking that off her list of things to do. _I've invented five new kinds of pointy weapons, learned a new way to bludegon people, and broken my old accuracy record. Next on the To Do list…Neji!_ she smirked as she thought of her stoic teammate. _'Course, he's never been interested in that._ she thought dourly.

" Tenten?" called a voice from behind her. She turned and found Neji standing there, holding a bouquet of kunai. " Would you like to mess around, then do some target practice?"

_There is a god!_ thought Tenten as she pounced the Hyuuga.

----DAY NINE - UZAMAKI MANOR ---

" Ramen is the best!" cheered Naruto, taking a bite. The girls had finally decided he had earned a lunch break. He'd spent half the day working with his clones to fix the manor up in the ways they demanded. It was not a patchwork of styles, tastes, and colors ranging from Sakura's pink room to the bar Tsunade had made him install.

" Hey there Naruto!" said Jiraiya, sliding onto a seat next to him.

" Hey Per….Jiraiya-sensei!" said Naruto, remembering his part of the deal.

" I got the first check for the books." said Jiraiya, handing the slip of paper to Naruto. " I think money's not going to be a problem."

" Really?" said Naruto, looking surprised. He checked the check's amount.

And promptly fainted into his ramen.

" Naruto!" cried some of the Legion of Fangirls, led by Tsunade, as they raced over. They pulled him out of the bowl and began to do CPR.

" What happened?" asked Tsunade, looking to Jiraiya.

" I showed him how much we made on the first printing of the books. It sold out in minutes." said Jiraiya happily. He showed the check to Tsunade.

" We could pay off my debt with this!" said Tsuande with a gasp.

" And more." said Jiraiya with a smirk. " Apparently, Naruto's exploits are quite the read. I'm sure that your chapter will be a favorite."

" My chapter…." said Tsunade, blinking. " You spied on us?" she yelled becoming angry.

" Well, yeah!" said Jiraiya with a laugh.

One punch later he was sailing through the air.

---DAY NINE - SASUKES CUBBORD----

" I'll kill them all." said Sasuke, eye twitching.

" Hey! Keep it down in there!" yelled the on guard clone.

_Bastard._ thought Sasuke, glaring at his rival. _My fan girls my house, my dignity…._ he nearly cried as he looked at the pink tutu that was his uniform. _Even when Orochimaru got drunk and wanted to play naked Twister it was better than this. _

" Hey! Keep down the emo-ness!" yelled the guard.

_Never!_ thought Sasuke defiantly. _Wait, no, I'm not emo! Dammit!_

---DAY NINE - IN THE AIR----

" Damn, this is taking a long time." said Jiraiya, looking down to the ground below. He had flown all the way out of Kohona, past the forest, and was now over a large desert. He sat back and relaxed. When he hit the ground, it would hurt, but until then, it was rather pleasant.

" What are you doing?" said a voice besides him, shocking him. If it was possible, he would have fallen out of the air.

" I'm hurtling to my death, that's what!" snapped Jiraiya, looking over towards the voice. He spotted a young woman riding besides him on a fan. She had spiky blonde hair and a impressive hourglass figure.

" Do…you want help down?" asked Temari, looking at him quizzically.

" That'd be nice." said Jiraiya. " It would suck to die without getting a chance to meet such a beautiful woman."

" I'll save your life, but that's it." said Temari sternly, pulling Jiraiya onto the fan. _It's nice to be…not falling._ thought Jiraiya. " So, how'd you end up flying though the air?"

" Oh, I told the Hokage that I had spied on her and her husband in the sack and used it as inspiration for a chapter in the newest Make Out Paradise book. It's called Make Out Charity." said Jiraiya unabashedly.

" Oh my god! You're the Toad Sage!" cheered Temari, suddenly becoming fan girlish. " Your donating all that money from the booksales to help pay for all those poor children!"

" Yeah, that's me!" said Jiraiya, giving his best roguish smile. To his amazement (It had been twenty years since this had last happened.) Temari swooned.

" Well, do I know what to do with you." said Temari, locking her arm around his.

" What?" asked Jiraiya, smiling pervertedly.

" Introduce you to all my kunochi friends in Suna." said Temari, tracing a finger across his jaw. " Once I'm finished with you, that is."

----DAY NINE - KOHONA ACADEMY----

" Did you hear someone yell 'Boo ya?" asked Iruka, looking to his class.

---DAY NINE - KOHONA STREET----

" This is impossible!" said Guy in despair. " We are wasting sp much youth looking for the person with the real uniform!"

" Perhaps we should seek help, Guy-sensei." said Lee, trying to buck up his teacher. " We are not the best informed people…in the village…."

Lee trailed off as he and Guy looked at each other in shock.

Who had gotten everything they wanted? Someone who wanted things to happen to the other villagers. People who liked rumors.

The Yamanaka had the Jumpsuit of Youthfullness.

" To the flower shop!" cried Guy, pointing down the street.

" Away!" said Lee as he and his teacher zoomed off.

----DAY NINE - YAMANAKA FLOWERS R US----

" He was so manly!" said Ino, grinning and resting her head against her hands. The hearts forming over he head were starting to block her mothers vision of the girl. " And polite and nice and agreeable! I never noticed before because he was fat, but now…he's a total stud!"

" Ino!" called a voice from the door. The blonde girl and her mother's heads snapped to the side, spotting Lee in the doorframe. His face was red and he was puffing for breath. " You must take off the jumpsuit now!"

"…."

" PERVERT!"

----DAY NINE - UZAMAKI MANOR - TSUNADES BAR----

" Lee got arrested for sexual harassment?" said Sakura, blinking in surprise.

" Yep." said Tsunade, taking a sip of sake. " Guy too. Apparently they tried to corner Ino and tear off her clothes. The ANBU has them in solitary confinement. I bet they just got drunk again."

" Heh. Ino pig gets what she deserves." said Sakura evilly.

" Think he's done re-tiling my bathroom yet?" said Hinata, looking over her shoulder to the door. " I just hated that awful blue and red stuff they Uchiha had in there."

" What did you have the clones replace it with?" asked Sakura curiously.

" White." said Hinata.

_I guess I should have guessed._ thought Sakura, sweat dropping.

---------

Sorry its short. Running low on ideas.


End file.
